On hiatus.

The bad thing about blogging for me is I have to be in the mood to want to spill my guts out and lately I've had cabin fever with all this snow so that hasn't been happening much. We got off schedule on our routines because Big Daddy has been home A LOT cause of the snow and being sick. We had one day where the  opportunity to be spanked actually happened but it wasn't what I had hoped for at all. Big Daddy picked up on that and said he felt that I had dropped off wanting this altogether which is not true.. I have taken myself off my anti-depressants which I'm starting to wonder if that wasn't the cause of all my moodiness in the first place plus he has changed. He asked after the last spanking if it was okay. No as a matter of fact it wasn't I tried to tell him in a non-challenging way that he wasn't spanking hard enough. Seriously yes I said it he needed to spank me harder if he wants his point to get across cause all I'm feeling is his arousal. I love it all but a girl sometimes just needs to feel the love stronger on her backside...you know? So what did he do he got right down to business. He promptly turned me over onto my belly and spank the living daylights out of me HARD!  Okay well now that I know he can now maybe he will start enforcing something. I tell him all the time I wish he would expect more from me than what I know he already expects and I'm not talking the whole wifely duties its all good I'm talking the house, the kids stuff like that. I could sit on facebook or be on the computer all day and as long as he has clean clothes, bills paid and his meals cooked he would let me slide on everything else. We had talked about him being in control more while at home but he has let that go back to me. When he slides back so do I and than that feeling of the old times comes haunting me.

There is one thing I wish and that is if I could go back to the beginning of our marriage I would do it all over again and make sure he understood that he needed to take me in hand. I asked him why did he never spank me other than the one and only time he did and his reply was he felt it would be abuse because he sure wanted to upend me several times. So how do I get rid of the guilt that I feel now? I wish we could go back to several events that got played out and my decisions were horrible ones. We are two very different people now several years later. I used to push all his buttons why I have no ideal spoiled, learned horrible lessons from my parents on marriage, he had horrible lessons on marriage from his parents, we didn't know how to communicate and when we did need to communicate he would find that elsewhere and so would I. There were so many times that I would push and he would retreat or he would try to enforce and I would retreat home.  Most of the time I pushed him to see how he felt about me and hated the response I got because it was nothing what I wanted. We both could be so mean and hurtful at times. I want those times to be absolved from my mind but they can't be erased. So this is where I am standing on the edge and waiting for the waves to come crashing down to clean my soul cause I know not what to do otherwise but keep on living it.

Christmas is usually hard but not this year.

This year was a dramaless holiday just for our little ones. We didn't want to have the normal heartache we usually have when we try to dote on our older kids who don't care about anyone but themselves so we did just for the little ones left at home. They have been the ones including ourselves who go without but not this year. We got them what they wanted and than some. Santa was good. We got a few things each for the grandkids with the stepdaughter who also was on this naughty list of ours. As usual not a word from the two oldest and the one with the grandkids just a joke text. Everyone is living their lives and so these parents. We had a Merry Christmas cause Santa brought joy to the faces of our two youngest blessings.

New blogger name

I wanted a new name so I asked Big Daddy to help and this is what he came up with for now he said he would continue to think of another one. This one came about after several that I shot down. Our lives have been going on the steady no big deals thank goodness a few spankings just for fun.

Everyday is a new adventure for me. Reading others blogs is like peeking into my own life one that I wish we had started along time ago.I've stated before I didn't come right out years ago and asked more like hinted that he should just spank me when he got mad but I don't think he thought I was serious I think it was more like make-up sex talk but I was serious but afraid. The one and only time he  got angry enough to grab me, throw me across the bed and lay a few wallops across my jean covered butt I fell into hysterical crying and him comforting me. He remembers none of this happening. I spent even more years thinking and wishing for him to do this again.

As far back as I can remember I've thought about spanking. Anything remotely to do with it. Cartoons, movies, books anything with any little hint of spanking sent me off into this warm wishful thinking that I wanted it to be me but who in their right mind would ask. I could never get it out of my head that I was damaged somehow. I had things happen in my past that I couldn't talk about let alone think about and felt it was all related and I was just mental in the head. I never knew that so many people thought this same thing. Thank goodness for the Internet.

If I had one wish in the world I'd go back years into my relationship with Big Daddy and just ask. We would have spent so many unhappy moments fixing instead of fighting. Live and learn. I'm learning and living but can't get over that nagging feeling of regret?! I think that's what the feeling is regret that I didn't speak up sooner. Regret that I didn't have the courage enough to just say how I felt. This wasn't his fault not entirely. I just took things he said as his way of hurting me that's all I understood with my dysfunctional family and his dysfunctional family we just didn't know how to live together. I was always pushing him to react I know this now. There were so many key moments of my life that I can see now as those moments when I needed him the most to react. I'm sure he's thought about it now "wow I should have spanked her for that." I would never do those things now. He's said it lately a few times that we would have had a lot more kids if we had started this sooner. haha  Kinda glad the ones we have are quite enough and sneaking around the kids gets so old.

What's new?!

Lots of spanking going on some fun some not so fun. Been off my meds for about a month seems to be mostly good. I've found some new energy to not being on it but the blues come harder than I'm used to. I don't want to be medicated and don't like to take anything unless I absolutely have to and with my not having a thyroid anymore I have to take that med or I'm cold all the time. But no Welbutrin has been better than I expected. My hair is coming back or at least not falling out as much. (thanks to the blogger who posted that tidbit I didn't know). I had one horribly bad, down depressed day last week I think the day before Thanksgiving. You know those days you cry for nothing and everything I needed to be spanked but really didn't want to ask and thank goodness Tim saw the need. I haven't ever cried while being spanked but I've felt like I've wanted to or needed to but never have had it happened. He brought me right to the brink of it and stopped. I'm not sure what made him stop can't remember if he asked me to stop or if he just did not that it wasn't memorable but it was all different for me. I would have liked him to go on just to see how it would feel but leaving that up to him. He did ask about it said he heard me sniffling a little did I want to talk about it my answer was no I couldn't I just wanted to sleep. Things were better for me the next day. That Friday we went to pick up one of our grand kids for a short while that lasted way to long for me and our kids. We are not in practice to have little ones around they get on our nerves for longer than they should be here considering he's 3 and not yet potty trained. My stepdaughters child is who he belongs to and we don't get to see them often but when we do it takes so much out of us and so much is expected from us that it turns an otherwise visit into hell. Needless to say he went back after a week and his parents got to spend some partying time that they complain they never get. WWWAAAA!!! is always my reply considering we are never without our kids and I mean EVER so I don't have much sympathy for them. Its called parenthood for goodness sake. Anyway we like our life with our kids and our peace and our lifestyle just fine by ourselves.
Thanks to another blogger that I share with Tim,  he figured out there are such things as good girl spankings too. LOL So we got one of those the other day. All things work in this relationship and he's getting the ideal of good things can actually be when he is HoH. While we were out taking said grandchild home yesterday we stopped to get something to eat and I got onion rings with my order which he replied he wished he had seen them too. I told Tim well its too bad there isn't anything you can do to make me share them. Right in front of the kids he said "Oh yea I'll just take you out to the car and bend you over the back and gave the motion of swinging in to spank my behind." Our oldest 9 yr old was behind me and saw this! Tim said he just rolled his eyes and laughed and turned his head. LOL Ever since we started TTWD he has had no problems mentioning the s word in front of anyone. He's such a jokester that everyone takes it in jest you know haha your so funny but I know yes he's joking now but don't push him cause my butt will pay for it. I've noticed he's gotten quite comfortable with the whole spanking word. He's even gotten more comfortable with the new leather belt I bought him. Why do we do this? I know I must be nuts who in their right mind would want to be spanked with anything at all let alone a belt.  So happy for him.

Its that time of year again.

I really hate but love this time of year not sure why I love it so maybe cause things used to be different. We used to have lots of family around at holidays but than they all turned into such disasters that we stopped spending time with this so called family once we had our own. We just couldn't stand to keep going and having arguments (them not us). Our kids are better off but now that they get older and our oldest kids are older everyone is doing their own thing but us. Our older kids don't even think about the younger kids and they are siblings it drives me crazy. I've voweled I'm not doing anything for the older kids this year I'm just not until they realize its not all about them I'm just not going to. I'm tired of shopping and worrying did I get what they wanted or did they get the money I sent on time when they give not a rats ass about the others. This is what its like with the entire family until we just stopped giving. I know its not about what you get but after years of this I'm just not going to do it anymore. It's not like we have all the money in the world we struggle just like the rest of the world but we do without time and time again only to hear that our older kids have gone out and blown their money on crap or their friends while they do nothing for family. I won't go into detail but believe me its hard for me not to want to get them Christmas but every year I get nothing just so they can get and I've had it. I don't want to sound like a martyr but that's how I feel. Okay so I'm off my meds but that's beside the point. I won't even go into the whole spanking last night cause it didn't seem to help me at all at least not now. But that's how I feel down in the dumps and wish that January would just get here.

Wish List

I came across this site and didn't want to forget it so figured I'd just put it here.

Blah, Blah, Blah

Well its been crazy around here. We went to Texas last weekend for 4 days. It's not a horribly long trip thank goodness it actually made it feel doable more often. Most of our family live there so we spent each day driving somewhere to see someone. His father is in the hospital and hadn't seen our kids in a few years and the same for my dad. I've been back to see my dad in half the time but my honey and kids haven't since we moved from there. It made me realize how long we'd been gone. My dad looked so much older and he's not in the hospital but has issues. T's dad was well....... in the hospital again. I feel for him he's had it rough if it wasn't one thing it was another for the pass 20 years. So okay that's whats been going on but I don't want to stray much further because that part could go on and on. I wanted to talk about something a friend and I were talking about yesterday.

My new friend is from Panama which I'd love to know more from her about. We have boys the same age who met while playing baseball, hers an only child and well mine wished he was an only child sometimes. (JK) We were talking about the recent child attempted abduction at our local Walmart. She says in her country they just kill them all..... the child molesters, rapists, murderers. While I totally agree in some cases but we live in  a different country.  We have made so many mistakes which if I was accidentally convicted of something I'd want someone to fight for me. There are so many people that have been locked up over key witness accounts only to find out that person was wrong. I could never be that person unless I was 100 percent sure beyond a shadow of a doubt. I know bad things happen to good people regardless if they were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

My honey says that if our country killed more we wouldn't have all the problems. Well yea but than wouldn't we become like some third world country unable to have a voice because you know when they start passing those kinds of laws by the government someone will takes things in their hands and run with it. Before you know it we"ll be living under a dictatorship and all hells will come out. I guess that's what we get chaos when we are left with a voice, too many voices not enough of them making any sense at all. We don't value education here unless you homeschool and take that into your own hands too. Too many thinking everyone owes them a living so they go out and steal, cheat and murder and not just the little guy. There is so much crime why? You name it probably happened. People can think of the worse things to do maybe I'm just naive but some of these schemes to get what they want wow if they had used that for something legal. The fast buck, more money, better car, something always over something. Something needs to be done but what? It doesn't seem like any other country is any better they just have less of it but they still have it. I just teach my kids how wrong it all is and move on and hope that they never find their way down that easy path that will lead to the forever path of destruction. It may not be the end of the road if they make that mistake but it will forever change their life path and make it so much harder. Too bad there isn't a book on moralities and the consequences so you can say see if you do this this will happen to you not because I'm telling you but this is the law. Because you know the mistakes you made in life they don't care or sometimes even believe, they want to make theirs on their own. We just had our parents scare us enough that if we ended up in jail for some stupid reason or not they were not going to help us. That's what I tell my kids with the always contradicting phrase but I love you so don't be afraid to tell me if your in trouble. It's not that I don't want to help you out of jail cause a tiny bit wants to bail your butt out but momma and daddy don't have the finances to help you so I guess your sitting there for a while. Harse but needed I think wait maybe not. LOL