On hiatus.

The bad thing about blogging for me is I have to be in the mood to want to spill my guts out and lately I've had cabin fever with all this snow so that hasn't been happening much. We got off schedule on our routines because Big Daddy has been home A LOT cause of the snow and being sick. We had one day where the  opportunity to be spanked actually happened but it wasn't what I had hoped for at all. Big Daddy picked up on that and said he felt that I had dropped off wanting this altogether which is not true.. I have taken myself off my anti-depressants which I'm starting to wonder if that wasn't the cause of all my moodiness in the first place plus he has changed. He asked after the last spanking if it was okay. No as a matter of fact it wasn't I tried to tell him in a non-challenging way that he wasn't spanking hard enough. Seriously yes I said it he needed to spank me harder if he wants his point to get across cause all I'm feeling is his arousal. I love it all but a girl sometimes just needs to feel the love stronger on her backside...you know? So what did he do he got right down to business. He promptly turned me over onto my belly and spank the living daylights out of me HARD!  Okay well now that I know he can now maybe he will start enforcing something. I tell him all the time I wish he would expect more from me than what I know he already expects and I'm not talking the whole wifely duties its all good I'm talking the house, the kids stuff like that. I could sit on facebook or be on the computer all day and as long as he has clean clothes, bills paid and his meals cooked he would let me slide on everything else. We had talked about him being in control more while at home but he has let that go back to me. When he slides back so do I and than that feeling of the old times comes haunting me.

There is one thing I wish and that is if I could go back to the beginning of our marriage I would do it all over again and make sure he understood that he needed to take me in hand. I asked him why did he never spank me other than the one and only time he did and his reply was he felt it would be abuse because he sure wanted to upend me several times. So how do I get rid of the guilt that I feel now? I wish we could go back to several events that got played out and my decisions were horrible ones. We are two very different people now several years later. I used to push all his buttons why I have no ideal spoiled, learned horrible lessons from my parents on marriage, he had horrible lessons on marriage from his parents, we didn't know how to communicate and when we did need to communicate he would find that elsewhere and so would I. There were so many times that I would push and he would retreat or he would try to enforce and I would retreat home.  Most of the time I pushed him to see how he felt about me and hated the response I got because it was nothing what I wanted. We both could be so mean and hurtful at times. I want those times to be absolved from my mind but they can't be erased. So this is where I am standing on the edge and waiting for the waves to come crashing down to clean my soul cause I know not what to do otherwise but keep on living it.