Its that time of year again.

I really hate but love this time of year not sure why I love it so maybe cause things used to be different. We used to have lots of family around at holidays but than they all turned into such disasters that we stopped spending time with this so called family once we had our own. We just couldn't stand to keep going and having arguments (them not us). Our kids are better off but now that they get older and our oldest kids are older everyone is doing their own thing but us. Our older kids don't even think about the younger kids and they are siblings it drives me crazy. I've voweled I'm not doing anything for the older kids this year I'm just not until they realize its not all about them I'm just not going to. I'm tired of shopping and worrying did I get what they wanted or did they get the money I sent on time when they give not a rats ass about the others. This is what its like with the entire family until we just stopped giving. I know its not about what you get but after years of this I'm just not going to do it anymore. It's not like we have all the money in the world we struggle just like the rest of the world but we do without time and time again only to hear that our older kids have gone out and blown their money on crap or their friends while they do nothing for family. I won't go into detail but believe me its hard for me not to want to get them Christmas but every year I get nothing just so they can get and I've had it. I don't want to sound like a martyr but that's how I feel. Okay so I'm off my meds but that's beside the point. I won't even go into the whole spanking last night cause it didn't seem to help me at all at least not now. But that's how I feel down in the dumps and wish that January would just get here.