Christmas is usually hard but not this year.

This year was a dramaless holiday just for our little ones. We didn't want to have the normal heartache we usually have when we try to dote on our older kids who don't care about anyone but themselves so we did just for the little ones left at home. They have been the ones including ourselves who go without but not this year. We got them what they wanted and than some. Santa was good. We got a few things each for the grandkids with the stepdaughter who also was on this naughty list of ours. As usual not a word from the two oldest and the one with the grandkids just a joke text. Everyone is living their lives and so these parents. We had a Merry Christmas cause Santa brought joy to the faces of our two youngest blessings.

New blogger name

I wanted a new name so I asked Big Daddy to help and this is what he came up with for now he said he would continue to think of another one. This one came about after several that I shot down. Our lives have been going on the steady no big deals thank goodness a few spankings just for fun.

Everyday is a new adventure for me. Reading others blogs is like peeking into my own life one that I wish we had started along time ago.I've stated before I didn't come right out years ago and asked more like hinted that he should just spank me when he got mad but I don't think he thought I was serious I think it was more like make-up sex talk but I was serious but afraid. The one and only time he  got angry enough to grab me, throw me across the bed and lay a few wallops across my jean covered butt I fell into hysterical crying and him comforting me. He remembers none of this happening. I spent even more years thinking and wishing for him to do this again.

As far back as I can remember I've thought about spanking. Anything remotely to do with it. Cartoons, movies, books anything with any little hint of spanking sent me off into this warm wishful thinking that I wanted it to be me but who in their right mind would ask. I could never get it out of my head that I was damaged somehow. I had things happen in my past that I couldn't talk about let alone think about and felt it was all related and I was just mental in the head. I never knew that so many people thought this same thing. Thank goodness for the Internet.

If I had one wish in the world I'd go back years into my relationship with Big Daddy and just ask. We would have spent so many unhappy moments fixing instead of fighting. Live and learn. I'm learning and living but can't get over that nagging feeling of regret?! I think that's what the feeling is regret that I didn't speak up sooner. Regret that I didn't have the courage enough to just say how I felt. This wasn't his fault not entirely. I just took things he said as his way of hurting me that's all I understood with my dysfunctional family and his dysfunctional family we just didn't know how to live together. I was always pushing him to react I know this now. There were so many key moments of my life that I can see now as those moments when I needed him the most to react. I'm sure he's thought about it now "wow I should have spanked her for that." I would never do those things now. He's said it lately a few times that we would have had a lot more kids if we had started this sooner. haha  Kinda glad the ones we have are quite enough and sneaking around the kids gets so old.

What's new?!

Lots of spanking going on some fun some not so fun. Been off my meds for about a month seems to be mostly good. I've found some new energy to not being on it but the blues come harder than I'm used to. I don't want to be medicated and don't like to take anything unless I absolutely have to and with my not having a thyroid anymore I have to take that med or I'm cold all the time. But no Welbutrin has been better than I expected. My hair is coming back or at least not falling out as much. (thanks to the blogger who posted that tidbit I didn't know). I had one horribly bad, down depressed day last week I think the day before Thanksgiving. You know those days you cry for nothing and everything I needed to be spanked but really didn't want to ask and thank goodness Tim saw the need. I haven't ever cried while being spanked but I've felt like I've wanted to or needed to but never have had it happened. He brought me right to the brink of it and stopped. I'm not sure what made him stop can't remember if he asked me to stop or if he just did not that it wasn't memorable but it was all different for me. I would have liked him to go on just to see how it would feel but leaving that up to him. He did ask about it said he heard me sniffling a little did I want to talk about it my answer was no I couldn't I just wanted to sleep. Things were better for me the next day. That Friday we went to pick up one of our grand kids for a short while that lasted way to long for me and our kids. We are not in practice to have little ones around they get on our nerves for longer than they should be here considering he's 3 and not yet potty trained. My stepdaughters child is who he belongs to and we don't get to see them often but when we do it takes so much out of us and so much is expected from us that it turns an otherwise visit into hell. Needless to say he went back after a week and his parents got to spend some partying time that they complain they never get. WWWAAAA!!! is always my reply considering we are never without our kids and I mean EVER so I don't have much sympathy for them. Its called parenthood for goodness sake. Anyway we like our life with our kids and our peace and our lifestyle just fine by ourselves.
Thanks to another blogger that I share with Tim,  he figured out there are such things as good girl spankings too. LOL So we got one of those the other day. All things work in this relationship and he's getting the ideal of good things can actually be when he is HoH. While we were out taking said grandchild home yesterday we stopped to get something to eat and I got onion rings with my order which he replied he wished he had seen them too. I told Tim well its too bad there isn't anything you can do to make me share them. Right in front of the kids he said "Oh yea I'll just take you out to the car and bend you over the back and gave the motion of swinging in to spank my behind." Our oldest 9 yr old was behind me and saw this! Tim said he just rolled his eyes and laughed and turned his head. LOL Ever since we started TTWD he has had no problems mentioning the s word in front of anyone. He's such a jokester that everyone takes it in jest you know haha your so funny but I know yes he's joking now but don't push him cause my butt will pay for it. I've noticed he's gotten quite comfortable with the whole spanking word. He's even gotten more comfortable with the new leather belt I bought him. Why do we do this? I know I must be nuts who in their right mind would want to be spanked with anything at all let alone a belt.  So happy for him.

Its that time of year again.

I really hate but love this time of year not sure why I love it so maybe cause things used to be different. We used to have lots of family around at holidays but than they all turned into such disasters that we stopped spending time with this so called family once we had our own. We just couldn't stand to keep going and having arguments (them not us). Our kids are better off but now that they get older and our oldest kids are older everyone is doing their own thing but us. Our older kids don't even think about the younger kids and they are siblings it drives me crazy. I've voweled I'm not doing anything for the older kids this year I'm just not until they realize its not all about them I'm just not going to. I'm tired of shopping and worrying did I get what they wanted or did they get the money I sent on time when they give not a rats ass about the others. This is what its like with the entire family until we just stopped giving. I know its not about what you get but after years of this I'm just not going to do it anymore. It's not like we have all the money in the world we struggle just like the rest of the world but we do without time and time again only to hear that our older kids have gone out and blown their money on crap or their friends while they do nothing for family. I won't go into detail but believe me its hard for me not to want to get them Christmas but every year I get nothing just so they can get and I've had it. I don't want to sound like a martyr but that's how I feel. Okay so I'm off my meds but that's beside the point. I won't even go into the whole spanking last night cause it didn't seem to help me at all at least not now. But that's how I feel down in the dumps and wish that January would just get here.

Wish List

I came across this site and didn't want to forget it so figured I'd just put it here.

Blah, Blah, Blah

Well its been crazy around here. We went to Texas last weekend for 4 days. It's not a horribly long trip thank goodness it actually made it feel doable more often. Most of our family live there so we spent each day driving somewhere to see someone. His father is in the hospital and hadn't seen our kids in a few years and the same for my dad. I've been back to see my dad in half the time but my honey and kids haven't since we moved from there. It made me realize how long we'd been gone. My dad looked so much older and he's not in the hospital but has issues. T's dad was well....... in the hospital again. I feel for him he's had it rough if it wasn't one thing it was another for the pass 20 years. So okay that's whats been going on but I don't want to stray much further because that part could go on and on. I wanted to talk about something a friend and I were talking about yesterday.

My new friend is from Panama which I'd love to know more from her about. We have boys the same age who met while playing baseball, hers an only child and well mine wished he was an only child sometimes. (JK) We were talking about the recent child attempted abduction at our local Walmart. She says in her country they just kill them all..... the child molesters, rapists, murderers. While I totally agree in some cases but we live in  a different country.  We have made so many mistakes which if I was accidentally convicted of something I'd want someone to fight for me. There are so many people that have been locked up over key witness accounts only to find out that person was wrong. I could never be that person unless I was 100 percent sure beyond a shadow of a doubt. I know bad things happen to good people regardless if they were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

My honey says that if our country killed more we wouldn't have all the problems. Well yea but than wouldn't we become like some third world country unable to have a voice because you know when they start passing those kinds of laws by the government someone will takes things in their hands and run with it. Before you know it we"ll be living under a dictatorship and all hells will come out. I guess that's what we get chaos when we are left with a voice, too many voices not enough of them making any sense at all. We don't value education here unless you homeschool and take that into your own hands too. Too many thinking everyone owes them a living so they go out and steal, cheat and murder and not just the little guy. There is so much crime why? You name it probably happened. People can think of the worse things to do maybe I'm just naive but some of these schemes to get what they want wow if they had used that for something legal. The fast buck, more money, better car, something always over something. Something needs to be done but what? It doesn't seem like any other country is any better they just have less of it but they still have it. I just teach my kids how wrong it all is and move on and hope that they never find their way down that easy path that will lead to the forever path of destruction. It may not be the end of the road if they make that mistake but it will forever change their life path and make it so much harder. Too bad there isn't a book on moralities and the consequences so you can say see if you do this this will happen to you not because I'm telling you but this is the law. Because you know the mistakes you made in life they don't care or sometimes even believe, they want to make theirs on their own. We just had our parents scare us enough that if we ended up in jail for some stupid reason or not they were not going to help us. That's what I tell my kids with the always contradicting phrase but I love you so don't be afraid to tell me if your in trouble. It's not that I don't want to help you out of jail cause a tiny bit wants to bail your butt out but momma and daddy don't have the finances to help you so I guess your sitting there for a while. Harse but needed I think wait maybe not. LOL

I'm usually a good girl.

Well I was spanked last night and I didn't even know I had done anything to deserve it. It was such a beautiful day here and I had to run up part of his lunch he forgot. The kids and I decided we would just run to the park since winter will be on us soon so I felt we should use this time wisely. On the way I decided to pick up a friend who has been shut up at home and seemed depressed. We all had a great time and spent a few hours away. I ran the kids to McDonald's for a quick bite and decided to take T something also so I went by his work on the way home. All this was done without one hint of a problem cause like I said I'm usually a good girl most of the time but I forgot something I always do and its not something he asked but I just have always done it and that is to let him know when I'm leaving the house and where I am going just in case something should happen. It completely slipped my mind and this was the second time in a week I've done it. He just kinda reminded me the first time in passing that I didn't let him know....well okay I just forgot I got busy with the kids and all that.

This all came after night before last we were trying to spend some quality time which I was screaming at the kids to hurry and get in bed at 9 and i was starting early cause you know how kids can be always dragging their feet. But he was the one telling them its okay its just 8:30 they have plenty of time so I didn't say a word again until it was 9:20 and they were still wandering the house. Than he gets frustrated at them than at me because I said see now you know why I start at 8:30 because by 9:30 your a sleep on me and I don't get anytime with you. That turned out to be bad cause his reply was he doesn't see them all day like I do which I countered if you didn't sit around and watch TV you could have spent time with them. I got a slap on the butt for that and he rolled over mad. Okay well that night sucked. Than the next night(last night) I got it not as bad as it could be he's never really to bad even when he should be but how do I tell him that? We go right back to the thing where he stops when I protest. Well of course I'm going to protest who wouldn't. I guess I'm going to have to get that book "How To Give A Spanking" for him. http://www.variantbooks.com/give_spanking.html
Oh and another new rule that he wants to enforce is I can't yell at the kids which I've already done today but I didn't yesterday so when he was spanking me he asked and I answered no which at the time I wasn't sure but later remember we had been gone all day so there was no reason to yell at them. So do I fess up about today? He wants to start asking the kids but I don't think that's fair considering they are the reason I have to scream. Its also difficult to maintain but this is what I wanted but I need consistency from him. I feel like a kid in a candy store I could go all out wild but never pay unless caught.

So much better time.

Isn't it funny how things work. When things come around for me my friend and her husband are on the outs. But I have to say they've been on the outs a lot more lately than our side. I feel for her and I try to get her to see it from his side so its not all me, me, me. I would love to tell her about TTWD but she's a headstrong woman and I don't think she would be one to go for it.  She is definitely the type that wants to be his equal and will go down fighting to prove it. LOL He's a great guy and she is a great woman but you know how things are sometimes. I just feel for her when they are always screaming divorce or separation. We are going to be hanging with her family on Saturday for the football game so I hope its not all uncomfortable and such cause they are really fun to hang with and we get along so good and our kids are all friends so its a definite plus plus.

Well I'm feeling better emotionally thank goodness for the little white pills. haha. I'm not one to pop pills all the time but I knew I needed to double up that day. You know those days when you can just think of something sad and it makes you cry. Well maybe that's a girl thing so whatever I'm feeling better. My gall bladder or whatever it is is still not doing good but I hope that passes soon enough. Things are good but than we don't have much structure in the way of TTWD, it's all a work in progress. He only made one mention of him being the HoH the other night but I think he was joking. Sometimes I think I could commit murder and he wouldn't say a thing. Just kidding about the murder but you know what I mean. While I wish he would voice his opinion more on some issues I have troubles with like cleaning. Gosh I hate cleaning, dusting and the whole being organized thing. On the day I felt blue a few days ago I did get the energy to clean, dust from top to bottom and organize a few things that I've been needing to do for quite sometime so that I feel good about. Sometimes I just need the push or threat maybe but I'm not going to push or lead him there by any means. Its nice he noticed I worked so hard but sometimes I wish he noticed more when I need to be pushed. I'm really not complaining. LOL

I hate this feeling!

I wish I knew how to say whats going on in my head right now. I hate feeling like this. Not sure if this is my depression back but its just that blah I hate everything feeling. I'm snippy at everyone so I just warn its not a good time to be around me. I have a friend that thank my lucky stars is my cheerleader when I get like this, I do the same for her. She won't agree with me she just understands. She doesn't know about TTWD but she knows I have a good relationship with my man more times than not so she humors me when I get out of sorts. I try hard to keep in check for him but when he works all week long it makes me lonely I guess. I spend all my time day in and day out with the kids and do everything for the home and it get pretty boring for me. I have no time alone ever my kids are homeschooled so sometimes I like to miss baseball practice just so I can have an hour alone and watch a favorite TV show. He actually got ticked cause I suggested that I wanted to go to baseball practice but I didn't want to miss my new season show. He acted like he had to go out of his way for that one hour for me.
So last night he announced to the kids he was going to spend time with mom well after he did what he wanted to do and let the kids stay up longer than they should be than I was suppose to be available. By than I was feeling for the 4 day in a row like I definitely was last on his agenda so I was not much in the mood for any such time of loving on his part. I'm usually not like that regardless if I'm in the mood or not I usually don't turn him down and I didn't last night either but I really was not in the mindset for any such thing. I hate it I don't know how to put it into words, I don't know if I'm just pulled to thin for what I can handle, I just have no clue.
Plus I had an attack  an attack that no one can figure out what it is and haven't for the past ten years. I really think its my gall bladder not functioning to its potential but the ultrasound once again showed no stones so I just keep getting to deal with this pain when it comes around again. I just wasted 89 dollars on this stupid test. Well at least all his heart test came out fine and they've gotten his blood pressure down to somewhat normal levels so that is a load off of my mind but I'm tired of hearing him complain about his weight when he does nothing to deal with it. I've been trying working out, changing all our diets and I even stopped drinking sodas and anything with sugar or caffeine in it. It's like beating a dead horse with my family. I'm ready to throw in the towel and I don't want to but I'm tired. It's like working your butt off to lose weight and not seeing any results. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle and I don't know why it's bothering me so much. Maybe I need a vacation or a change. I don't know maybe I feel I just keep working at it while I get forgotten on the sidelines. I know that's life with kids and marriage but I wish that someone anyone would think of me for a change and it not be Mothers Day or my birthday for that to happen.
Well I don't feel any better writing this I just feel worse so I'm going to just go soak in the tub and maybe wash this depression away.

I should crawl right back into bed.

It has been one endless crappy day. I just had to say to get it off my chest,  to the lady that almost hit my daughter while we were crossing the parking lot leaving Sams club, let me just say your lucky because I wasn't in the mood to go to jail for murdering you. Not only did we stop and look before we stepped out but you in your hurry was the one to whip around that car beside you to.....WHAT find you a closer parking space? You could have run right over her thank goodness you had at least decent brakes considering the piece of crap you were driving with the back end all crumpled. After my initial shock yea okay maybe I shouldn't have shouted at you but you had no right to scream at us to look out. HELLO you nut your lucky I'm not like some of those crazies out there and didn't drag your ugly behind out and stomp you. I may have gone off more than I should but those are my children and I'm tired of you idiot drivers that pay no more attention than for you to turn the key. Stop and look before you whip out especially in a public parking lot with actual people in it. I had to apologize to my kids cause of the language I used but you had it coming and I would do it again for my kids. People like you shouldn't be allowed to drive. Okay so I got that out now maybe I can get on with my lousy day.

And it continues......

Well nothing got solved or should I say that it got put off or I really got put off cause he was tired so whatever. Than this morning it all started over again when I said I was getting a job because I'm tired of feeling like I have nothing for me while everyone continues to only think of themselves. His usual response is "if you feel the need to get out of the house by getting a job I'm not going to stop you". Yea yea sure he knows it would be more money that gets funneled in for Christmas coming and helping with his daughter and kids coming. Before he got home there was another barrage of texts again today he wanted to know if I wanted him to work the weekend. I replied that no I wanted him home but he missed that text and sent me text after text and it was getting worse by the second. He wanted me to answer a certain way and was capping his words so to get my point across I capped right back not a good move.

My son was suppose to have baseball practice but was hacking up a lung and he knew he was suppose to be there by 6 but forgot. So his last text to me was to send the kids to my friend across the street so as he put it settle all this crap(not his word) once and for all the way I've wanted him to handle things and he dared me. He actually dared me! Unfortunately he forgot the practice and the timing was all wrong and it wasn't going to happen. So once again the implications were there but no follow through on his part. Finally when we had time alone that night he asked me if I really wanted a job and I don't really cause I know how stressful my life would become cause it would be a night job and I still have to school the kids so when would sleep happen? But I didn't tell him that when he asked cause that's not really how I'm feeling. My answer was that once again I feel like I'm not here. I feel taken advantage of by all like they just expect me to be the one to do everything else and usually I really don't mind but when all I get back is arguing and defiance it shakes up my world. Okay okay so I'm feeling sorry for myself now but its Friday and once again off to pay all the money to someone else and make everyone else happy but me. So lets see next month I will be 44 and if I want a gift I better start saving cause no one will do it but me. Yep I'm thinking of myself for the moment cause no one else is.

A surpise spanking.

Well we have been going along quite nicely without much real spanking going on mostly just for play until last night. I had disclosed to my dear sweet hubby about a website of real spanking videos I came across without thinking much about it. I told him that while interesting some were definitely over the top for me personally. While it did stir those emotions in me I don't think that I wanted us to be THERE. I got up to run a bath and came back to him on the computer with THAT website pulled up. A little taken aback I asked him how he got to it so fast I hadn't told him anything yet of its name. I'm usually good about deleting the history not for fear he will see but the kids on accident finding it. I was shocked when he asked me if that was all I did all day was sit on the computer while I should be schooling the kids. AAAHHHH well maybe yea I had been doing just that addicted was more the correct word. I don't know whats come over me but its like finding out something about yourself that all you want to do is find out more about the subject matter.

Later after we had our baths and were reclining in bed he got up to lock the bedroom door which usually means yes you know what that means in adult language. Imagine my surprise when he said I was due for a spanking. I didn't ask or feel the need for one but he said that I was due one for two reasons, going shopping without asking OOPS and for being on the computer all day while I was suppose to be doing school with the kids. I told him that he knew I was buying a birthday present for my kids friends birthday and well okay he got me on the other one. He proceeded to pile the pillows on the bed and told me to lay over them. Okay I'm game its not like he's ever been real serious. (like I said it felt like a game). Within seconds I found out how serious he was about this spanking. Mind you I pay all the bills in our household with the money he makes and I don't go crazy spending but in the past few months I've lost a considerable amount of weight enough for me to warrant new clothes and well I found out the great deals Kohl's department store does every week. While I get great deals and I mean great deals I'm suppose to ask and just didn't think cause he hasn't said much on the way of that whole thing.  He started to spank me slow as usual but got down to business really quick the whole while telling me that I hadn't asked to go while I'm trying to explain the reason which he wasn't having any of that. Than he went on the next problem the whole while lecturing me which he rarely does. The next words out of his mouth was the kicker "you wanted this to feel real well here it is just like you asked", UhOh I was not prepared for how much it hurt and he was only using his hand.  He than started spanking me with my hairbrush OUCH. (how to you woman take that) Thank goodness he only did that a few times before he said I better feel lucky he likes to spank me with his hand on my bare bottom.. He only spanked me he said for about 5 minutes thank my lucky stars. I am so glad he didn't as long as those others on the video some were 20 minutes long with all sorts of implements.

Okay so now I know what real means and I know he can mean business when he wants it to be. I don't do much of anything to warrant a real spanking but will keep this in mind for a long while. My heart goes out to you woman whose husbands really make it known what a real spanking is cause I don't think my bottom could take it.  Now I ask does shopping online count? LOL I guess I better ask him first.

This is all new to us.

This is all new to us the whole DD thing in our marriage it almost seems like a game to me. I don't particularly want it to be a game but not sure how to go about asking for more. I mean I asked for this in the first place after being married for so long we've gotten quite complacent. Well I should say he has in dealing with my behavior at times. The last year or so I found out somethings about myself that put alot of how I felt about me personally into perspective; frankly it made alot of things make sense finally.

So a few month ago I brought the subject up after finding out about DD on the internet. I think he thought I had lost my mind and really I felt maybe he was right. What woman who is happy in her marriage would even ask for this? It's not like I hadn't asked for him to take control long ago I think he thought I was joking. The few times I had suggested to him that he should just spank me for an offense I had committed instead of getting angry and having an all out war over whatever was going on at that moment but it was all done in fun. I didn't know how to tell him what kinks were in my head from along time ago. I wanted more. I needed more!! I've always fantasized about being spanked, being controlled and not in a demeaning way. Apparently, its not just something that I think about on a daily basis its all over the internet woman just like me. The more we broached the subject the more appealling it became to him but I had to keep asking does this make you feel weird cause I don't want you to be uncomforable in this at all. He has a pretty bad past and he was mainly on the butt end of discipline in his life I didn't want to cause him any pain whatsoever.

Plus we have children and I would never want to subject them to anything that would damage them and be unhealthy its not like we ever have spanked them in their life. Kids and spanking just don't go together in our minds its frightening, it makes them feel less of themselves and really what kid asks for that. There are so many other things to take away now days that do just as well for discipline in our house. So before anyone says anything about our lifestyle we don't spank our kids and he doesn't spank me when they are here or are awake.

There is just something about life that gets me cranky and depressed and I can't explain it but a spanking does me good. (haha kinda like milk). I trust him to treat me right or I would have never asked him to do this for me or even be a willing participant. I am not abused he does not beat me he spanks me but most of the times when I ask. I don't want to ask its not the same. I don't need a father even though I sometimes call him daddy its definitely not the same so you pervs shut up already its just a term of endearment for me. So we will  see where this takes us its good so far but we have along way to go any good advice from you married women or men in DD marriages would be much appreciated.