I'm usually a good girl.

Well I was spanked last night and I didn't even know I had done anything to deserve it. It was such a beautiful day here and I had to run up part of his lunch he forgot. The kids and I decided we would just run to the park since winter will be on us soon so I felt we should use this time wisely. On the way I decided to pick up a friend who has been shut up at home and seemed depressed. We all had a great time and spent a few hours away. I ran the kids to McDonald's for a quick bite and decided to take T something also so I went by his work on the way home. All this was done without one hint of a problem cause like I said I'm usually a good girl most of the time but I forgot something I always do and its not something he asked but I just have always done it and that is to let him know when I'm leaving the house and where I am going just in case something should happen. It completely slipped my mind and this was the second time in a week I've done it. He just kinda reminded me the first time in passing that I didn't let him know....well okay I just forgot I got busy with the kids and all that.

This all came after night before last we were trying to spend some quality time which I was screaming at the kids to hurry and get in bed at 9 and i was starting early cause you know how kids can be always dragging their feet. But he was the one telling them its okay its just 8:30 they have plenty of time so I didn't say a word again until it was 9:20 and they were still wandering the house. Than he gets frustrated at them than at me because I said see now you know why I start at 8:30 because by 9:30 your a sleep on me and I don't get anytime with you. That turned out to be bad cause his reply was he doesn't see them all day like I do which I countered if you didn't sit around and watch TV you could have spent time with them. I got a slap on the butt for that and he rolled over mad. Okay well that night sucked. Than the next night(last night) I got it not as bad as it could be he's never really to bad even when he should be but how do I tell him that? We go right back to the thing where he stops when I protest. Well of course I'm going to protest who wouldn't. I guess I'm going to have to get that book "How To Give A Spanking" for him. http://www.variantbooks.com/give_spanking.html
Oh and another new rule that he wants to enforce is I can't yell at the kids which I've already done today but I didn't yesterday so when he was spanking me he asked and I answered no which at the time I wasn't sure but later remember we had been gone all day so there was no reason to yell at them. So do I fess up about today? He wants to start asking the kids but I don't think that's fair considering they are the reason I have to scream. Its also difficult to maintain but this is what I wanted but I need consistency from him. I feel like a kid in a candy store I could go all out wild but never pay unless caught.

So much better time.

Isn't it funny how things work. When things come around for me my friend and her husband are on the outs. But I have to say they've been on the outs a lot more lately than our side. I feel for her and I try to get her to see it from his side so its not all me, me, me. I would love to tell her about TTWD but she's a headstrong woman and I don't think she would be one to go for it.  She is definitely the type that wants to be his equal and will go down fighting to prove it. LOL He's a great guy and she is a great woman but you know how things are sometimes. I just feel for her when they are always screaming divorce or separation. We are going to be hanging with her family on Saturday for the football game so I hope its not all uncomfortable and such cause they are really fun to hang with and we get along so good and our kids are all friends so its a definite plus plus.

Well I'm feeling better emotionally thank goodness for the little white pills. haha. I'm not one to pop pills all the time but I knew I needed to double up that day. You know those days when you can just think of something sad and it makes you cry. Well maybe that's a girl thing so whatever I'm feeling better. My gall bladder or whatever it is is still not doing good but I hope that passes soon enough. Things are good but than we don't have much structure in the way of TTWD, it's all a work in progress. He only made one mention of him being the HoH the other night but I think he was joking. Sometimes I think I could commit murder and he wouldn't say a thing. Just kidding about the murder but you know what I mean. While I wish he would voice his opinion more on some issues I have troubles with like cleaning. Gosh I hate cleaning, dusting and the whole being organized thing. On the day I felt blue a few days ago I did get the energy to clean, dust from top to bottom and organize a few things that I've been needing to do for quite sometime so that I feel good about. Sometimes I just need the push or threat maybe but I'm not going to push or lead him there by any means. Its nice he noticed I worked so hard but sometimes I wish he noticed more when I need to be pushed. I'm really not complaining. LOL

I hate this feeling!

I wish I knew how to say whats going on in my head right now. I hate feeling like this. Not sure if this is my depression back but its just that blah I hate everything feeling. I'm snippy at everyone so I just warn its not a good time to be around me. I have a friend that thank my lucky stars is my cheerleader when I get like this, I do the same for her. She won't agree with me she just understands. She doesn't know about TTWD but she knows I have a good relationship with my man more times than not so she humors me when I get out of sorts. I try hard to keep in check for him but when he works all week long it makes me lonely I guess. I spend all my time day in and day out with the kids and do everything for the home and it get pretty boring for me. I have no time alone ever my kids are homeschooled so sometimes I like to miss baseball practice just so I can have an hour alone and watch a favorite TV show. He actually got ticked cause I suggested that I wanted to go to baseball practice but I didn't want to miss my new season show. He acted like he had to go out of his way for that one hour for me.
So last night he announced to the kids he was going to spend time with mom well after he did what he wanted to do and let the kids stay up longer than they should be than I was suppose to be available. By than I was feeling for the 4 day in a row like I definitely was last on his agenda so I was not much in the mood for any such time of loving on his part. I'm usually not like that regardless if I'm in the mood or not I usually don't turn him down and I didn't last night either but I really was not in the mindset for any such thing. I hate it I don't know how to put it into words, I don't know if I'm just pulled to thin for what I can handle, I just have no clue.
Plus I had an attack  an attack that no one can figure out what it is and haven't for the past ten years. I really think its my gall bladder not functioning to its potential but the ultrasound once again showed no stones so I just keep getting to deal with this pain when it comes around again. I just wasted 89 dollars on this stupid test. Well at least all his heart test came out fine and they've gotten his blood pressure down to somewhat normal levels so that is a load off of my mind but I'm tired of hearing him complain about his weight when he does nothing to deal with it. I've been trying working out, changing all our diets and I even stopped drinking sodas and anything with sugar or caffeine in it. It's like beating a dead horse with my family. I'm ready to throw in the towel and I don't want to but I'm tired. It's like working your butt off to lose weight and not seeing any results. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle and I don't know why it's bothering me so much. Maybe I need a vacation or a change. I don't know maybe I feel I just keep working at it while I get forgotten on the sidelines. I know that's life with kids and marriage but I wish that someone anyone would think of me for a change and it not be Mothers Day or my birthday for that to happen.
Well I don't feel any better writing this I just feel worse so I'm going to just go soak in the tub and maybe wash this depression away.

I should crawl right back into bed.

It has been one endless crappy day. I just had to say to get it off my chest,  to the lady that almost hit my daughter while we were crossing the parking lot leaving Sams club, let me just say your lucky because I wasn't in the mood to go to jail for murdering you. Not only did we stop and look before we stepped out but you in your hurry was the one to whip around that car beside you to.....WHAT find you a closer parking space? You could have run right over her thank goodness you had at least decent brakes considering the piece of crap you were driving with the back end all crumpled. After my initial shock yea okay maybe I shouldn't have shouted at you but you had no right to scream at us to look out. HELLO you nut your lucky I'm not like some of those crazies out there and didn't drag your ugly behind out and stomp you. I may have gone off more than I should but those are my children and I'm tired of you idiot drivers that pay no more attention than for you to turn the key. Stop and look before you whip out especially in a public parking lot with actual people in it. I had to apologize to my kids cause of the language I used but you had it coming and I would do it again for my kids. People like you shouldn't be allowed to drive. Okay so I got that out now maybe I can get on with my lousy day.

And it continues......

Well nothing got solved or should I say that it got put off or I really got put off cause he was tired so whatever. Than this morning it all started over again when I said I was getting a job because I'm tired of feeling like I have nothing for me while everyone continues to only think of themselves. His usual response is "if you feel the need to get out of the house by getting a job I'm not going to stop you". Yea yea sure he knows it would be more money that gets funneled in for Christmas coming and helping with his daughter and kids coming. Before he got home there was another barrage of texts again today he wanted to know if I wanted him to work the weekend. I replied that no I wanted him home but he missed that text and sent me text after text and it was getting worse by the second. He wanted me to answer a certain way and was capping his words so to get my point across I capped right back not a good move.

My son was suppose to have baseball practice but was hacking up a lung and he knew he was suppose to be there by 6 but forgot. So his last text to me was to send the kids to my friend across the street so as he put it settle all this crap(not his word) once and for all the way I've wanted him to handle things and he dared me. He actually dared me! Unfortunately he forgot the practice and the timing was all wrong and it wasn't going to happen. So once again the implications were there but no follow through on his part. Finally when we had time alone that night he asked me if I really wanted a job and I don't really cause I know how stressful my life would become cause it would be a night job and I still have to school the kids so when would sleep happen? But I didn't tell him that when he asked cause that's not really how I'm feeling. My answer was that once again I feel like I'm not here. I feel taken advantage of by all like they just expect me to be the one to do everything else and usually I really don't mind but when all I get back is arguing and defiance it shakes up my world. Okay okay so I'm feeling sorry for myself now but its Friday and once again off to pay all the money to someone else and make everyone else happy but me. So lets see next month I will be 44 and if I want a gift I better start saving cause no one will do it but me. Yep I'm thinking of myself for the moment cause no one else is.

A surpise spanking.

Well we have been going along quite nicely without much real spanking going on mostly just for play until last night. I had disclosed to my dear sweet hubby about a website of real spanking videos I came across without thinking much about it. I told him that while interesting some were definitely over the top for me personally. While it did stir those emotions in me I don't think that I wanted us to be THERE. I got up to run a bath and came back to him on the computer with THAT website pulled up. A little taken aback I asked him how he got to it so fast I hadn't told him anything yet of its name. I'm usually good about deleting the history not for fear he will see but the kids on accident finding it. I was shocked when he asked me if that was all I did all day was sit on the computer while I should be schooling the kids. AAAHHHH well maybe yea I had been doing just that addicted was more the correct word. I don't know whats come over me but its like finding out something about yourself that all you want to do is find out more about the subject matter.

Later after we had our baths and were reclining in bed he got up to lock the bedroom door which usually means yes you know what that means in adult language. Imagine my surprise when he said I was due for a spanking. I didn't ask or feel the need for one but he said that I was due one for two reasons, going shopping without asking OOPS and for being on the computer all day while I was suppose to be doing school with the kids. I told him that he knew I was buying a birthday present for my kids friends birthday and well okay he got me on the other one. He proceeded to pile the pillows on the bed and told me to lay over them. Okay I'm game its not like he's ever been real serious. (like I said it felt like a game). Within seconds I found out how serious he was about this spanking. Mind you I pay all the bills in our household with the money he makes and I don't go crazy spending but in the past few months I've lost a considerable amount of weight enough for me to warrant new clothes and well I found out the great deals Kohl's department store does every week. While I get great deals and I mean great deals I'm suppose to ask and just didn't think cause he hasn't said much on the way of that whole thing.  He started to spank me slow as usual but got down to business really quick the whole while telling me that I hadn't asked to go while I'm trying to explain the reason which he wasn't having any of that. Than he went on the next problem the whole while lecturing me which he rarely does. The next words out of his mouth was the kicker "you wanted this to feel real well here it is just like you asked", UhOh I was not prepared for how much it hurt and he was only using his hand.  He than started spanking me with my hairbrush OUCH. (how to you woman take that) Thank goodness he only did that a few times before he said I better feel lucky he likes to spank me with his hand on my bare bottom.. He only spanked me he said for about 5 minutes thank my lucky stars. I am so glad he didn't as long as those others on the video some were 20 minutes long with all sorts of implements.

Okay so now I know what real means and I know he can mean business when he wants it to be. I don't do much of anything to warrant a real spanking but will keep this in mind for a long while. My heart goes out to you woman whose husbands really make it known what a real spanking is cause I don't think my bottom could take it.  Now I ask does shopping online count? LOL I guess I better ask him first.